I recently read a letter from Tina Fey to God asking for very certain things to protect her daughter from.  I feel the need to expand on this and give my rendition of it. 

Today, we will write my letter for my son, Kade Michael…

Dear Higher Power,

Protect my son from doorframes, curbs, door knobs, sharp ledges, and his own two feet, for he cannot seem to walk in a straight line or through a doorway without running into something, bumping his head on something, or tripping over nothing.

Protect him from mean children at school, for kids are cruel and awful little ankle biters.  Let him have the knowledge to realize they are stupid and he is amazing, and when he is in med school well on his way to doing marvelous things that will change the world know that those kids who were mean to him will be asking if you would like to supersize your fries.

Please let my nagging, annoying and demanding motherly voice sit in the back of his mind so that he may make precocious decisions in his teenage years with my voice as the one of reason.  If he must do wrong, as most teenagers feel the need to, please let him choose the lesser evil out of whatever his options may be.

Please make his awkward years easy on him and surround him with friends from these years that will be his friends for life.  May his time wearing braces be short, may he get contact lenses young, and please even out his head to body ratio, we don’t want him to be the child that requires the school to order a special size football helmet for his giant head, he’ll never live that down.

Make his choice for college a good one, and make his college years memorable and worthwhile, beer pong included.  And, if (heaven forbid) he doesn’t choose The University of Texas or The University of Missouri, please make his college choice somewhere near a beach or a city that his father and I would enjoy visiting as well.

Let him get his heart broken, let it be stomped on by some tramp that was never good enough for my son to begin with.  This way, when his true love really does show up in his life he sees it and recognizes it, and he knows to hang on to that girl and not let her go.

And finally, please please please let him have a child that he loves even half as much as I love him, for that would make for a child loved to infinity and beyond.  Let him wake up in the middle of the night to change diapers, let him get thrown up on, peed on, pooped on, and put through the ringer.  Without those experiences he will never fully appreciate parenthood.  And while he is dealing with being a new father, grant him the patience to look at the child and feel the overwhelming love a parent feels.